Hi vibrant souls and welcome back to my blog! I hope everyone is having the best FRIDAY! I kind of want to get a little personal with you guys. Maybe there is someone I can help on here. I think even opening up about my past will help me in some ways.
There are certain reasons why people choose to walk away from a parent. Bad relationship, addiction, lying, cheating, and/or abuse. The list could go on. For me it was narcissistic abuse. Abuse is a hard word to say out loud. I remember when I first went to my therapist and she asked if I was ever hit and I said no because I was scared. At 25 years old I was terrified to say those words thinking they would find out I told someone. That’s how I felt for over half my life. Scared.
Narcissistic abuse is both emotional and physical. They could hit you because they think you did something wrong and then tell you they did it because they love you. That is where the emotional and physical came along side by side each other. I think I knew I always wanted to walk away. I was too scared to because of material objects that were held over my head. “I’ll take your car away”. “You won’t have a home”. Things I would say to myself were “If they take my car away or my home what will I do”.
I began therapy at the age of 25. I finally came into myself. I was taking charge and finally accepting that I was abused. Now came a crazy lightening bolt through my brain. Maybe if we hang out, this parent and I, we could maybe see eye to eye. We kind of did from August to November. We would go on bike rides and talk to each other. When I would come home from work they would greet me and say hi. I really couldn’t believe it, but it didn’t last. I wanted my partner to sleep over so she wouldn’t have to drive late at night, and that did it for him. Just to be clear, I was paying monthly rent. He called me up during work and these words are the last ones I would ever hear from him.
“You need to leave. You’re getting in between me and my family”.
To be honest I never felt part of “his” family. At first I couldn’t believe he would say this to me after the progress we were making, but I had to remember why I really was pushed to therapy. In July I told my mom I was having really sad thoughts because of my depression and anxiety. He came home and once again
“Your feelings are getting in the way of your mom and mines relationship”.
I was able to walk away with the feeling I was going to be okay. Not right then, but in the future. I tried.
Where I am now:
Because of complications starting from that day I do not talk to both my parents. I am learning to accept that I do not have parents. I had to mourn the loss. But I have found amazing parts of myself I never knew I could have. Like having the courage to walk away and be okay with myself for that. Don’t ever forget you come first in your growing process.
I really hope this reaches and helps someone.
-The Blonde Healer xo